Nicknames
by Miss Thorne
Summary: A trio of oneshots. Never let a Black, werewolf and the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Annoy-Voldemort get drunk together.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I got hit by a brainwave.**

 **If anyone wants a challenge, let it be 'Never Let Black, Lupin, and Mini Potter Get Drunk Together.'**

 _ **evil**_ ** _cackle_**

Harry Potter blinked owlishly at his godfather, bright green eyes looked quite startled. A bottle of beer hung loosely between is fore and middle finger on his right hand. The sixteen year old's soft black hair was messier than usual, looking like it had been run over by a mob of fangirls.

Sirius Black let out a cackle, his left blue eye sparkling brightly, while an eye patch hung weirdly over his right gray one. His shoulder length black hair was full of knots and tangles, some strands sticking out like he was electrocuted as he leaned against the wall desperately. One hand pounded into the wall, while his best friend and lover was practically howling.

Remus Lupin was howling with laughter, pardon the pun. Draped over the couch, his slender body was shaking with laughter. His right pale green eye was closed, while his left amber eye was cracked open slightly. His own beer was tipped over on the floor, leaking slightly. Black's beer was on the table, trembling slightly as the black haired thirty-four year old collapsed on the ground, his cackles ringing out.

"V-Vuh- _Voldy!_ " he gasped out. Harry let out a slight giggle.

" _Voldyshorts!_ " Remus cackled.

Harry thought for a moment. "...Moldypants?" His question brought the two howling Marauders to immediate silence. They looked extremely thoughtful, as if digesting this. Then loud laughter erupted again, somehow louder than before.

Sirius looked like he had some kind of brainfart, before jumping to his feet. "Oooh, let's invest the powers of us into those phellytones!" He cackled, and immediately Potter's face lit up.

"Lets call Voldy!" He suggested, slugging back another drink of Blue Moon.

Remus turned to the black telephone on the table, lurching awkwardly as if to grab the phone. Only he toppled over the chair he was sprawling out on, crashing on to the floor with a loud ruckus. The telephone clattered out of its hold and down the side, only being held up by the curly cord it was bouncing on. Sirius and Harry flinched at the noise, before Harry picked up the phone.

"Let's seeeeee..." He crawled, pretending to think. "What is his phone- OOOOOH, DOBBYYYY!"

Immediately, a short being popped into existence. It was grayish, with large, bat-like ears and huge, cat-like green eyes. The Dobby-creature looked confused. "What can Dobby dos for the Great Harry Potter?" It inquired in a confused squeaky voice.

"Did Lucius have Voldy's phone number?" Harry hiccupped with a giggle.

"Yes?"

"Can you get it pleeeeeease?" He draped himself over the creature, widening his pretty eyes and cocking his head slightly. Dobby shivered slightly in excitement.

"Anything for the Great Harry Potter!" He squeaked happily, popping out of existence and sending Harry sprawling to the floor. Moments later, he came back with a piece of paper with something scrawled on it. Looking at Potter in confusion, Dobby queried, "What is Harry Potter doing on the floor?"

Sirius and Remus all at once started laughing again, startling the house elf.


	2. Chapter 2

The grin on Mini-Potter's face made both Black and the werewolf slightly uneasy as they stood by the Blacks' most recent development from when Walburga was alive. It was a massive rotary telephone on one of the ridiculous looking end-tables, and completely black, if you pardon the pun.

Harry's emerald eyes were glittering like jewels, although they had a suspiciously slightly shiny look to them. His pupils were tiny dots, enlarging slightly in his drunken excitement. The sixteen year old was having a jolly good time, celebrating the fact he had conned Voldemort into signing a peace treaty contract. Basically, Voldemort could do more bad stuff.

The shit-eating grin on Harry Potter's face definitely unnerved Sirius and Remus.

"Oooh, I love these old rotary tel-tellyphones!" Harry crowed. "They're like, _ancieeeeent!_ "

Carefully, the last of the Potter line tried to put in Voldemort's number. Only.. to fail and ultimately accidentally bang his shin on the edge of the end table. A loud yelp erupted from him, sending the two grown men into a wild round of cackles.

It took several more failed attempts before something started ringing on the other end.

The three men exchanged mischievous looks, before leaning into the speaker.

Suddenly the line crackled.

" _Hello?_ " The slimy, snake-like voice there was a sure sign of indicating Voldy-Has-Gone-Moldy on the other side.

"YOOOO!" Sirius yelled into the speaker.

"Oi, could we speak to Snake-breath?"

Harry paused after Remus' rather strange greeting, before bursting into wild laughter.

"Sn-snake-breath!" Harry crowed, his emerald eyes shining with laughter.

"M-more like ol' Snakefart himself!" Sirius cackled, then they realized they were on the phone with Voldemort.

"Hey Snakey, ol' friend, ol' dude with the snake, ol' enemy with the snake face, ol' dude who fucked his snake-" Harry started to say, but Sirius interrupted him.

"Gather 'round your most faithful and c'mon over! We're gonna play Truth or Da _-aaaare!_ " he sang.

" _Wait- What? Okay, fine. Be there in thirty._ "

Remus and Harry exchanged blank looks.

What on earth did Sirius get them into?


End file.
